Parenting and Perfection

There are some words that should not be in the same sentence; like Parenting and Perfection. There is an art to parenting and parenting teenagers pushes all the boundaries of imagination and creativity. Every parental decision has consequences that are often immediately apparent. Every day there are new challenges, calls to make, boundaries to set, rules to enforce or rethink - each one to be tested and stretched to the breaking point.  The trap is thinking that there is some magic perfect answer; that there is one right path, one right thing to do and say in every situation and that it should come naturally.  I read some where, very recently, though my mind is a sieve these days so I have no recall of where that might have been, that decisions are easy if your ethics are clear.  So I ask myself, "Does that mean that I don't have clear ethics because I wrestle over my apparent inability to see what the "right" response to each situation is supposed to be?"  The truth is, that being 16 in 2010 is not the same as being 16 in 1978; but I have not yet received the updated parenting handbook.  

A year ago, the parish I serve updated their by laws.  They had last been updated in 1983.  All the references to "vestrymen" were changed to reflect the fact that women now serve on vestries.  And the he, who would have been the "vicar," was replaced by he/she, the "rector." This is to say that in 1978 or even in 1983... I, as a teen, was not afforded the opportunity to even serve as an acolyte much less full membership with equal opportunity in the church.  I could, however, serve on the altar guild - somebody's got to wash the linens and polish the brass! For both good and for ill, the world is not the same place. So every day, I struggle with how to be a product of my age co-existing with those born in this new world; in particular, those I am trying to prepare for life on their own.

In 1983, women, much less girls, did not call boys, and there was some civility in youthful discourse with adults.  Cursing in public was considered offensive.  One cannot claim teen sex did not happen, that would be naive, but it was not quite so obvious.  Given such a radical departure from cultural norms, and the speed at which this has occurred, is it no wonder we old guys, who just don't get it, are second guessing every line we draw in the sand.  What's worse, I no more than draw the line then the tide comes in or the wind blows and the line has to be redrawn in a different place.  

Comparing my parenting style with others is of utterly no use either.  There is no one set of definitive rules to fit every kid in every situation; beyond the obvious: "Thou shalt not drink and drive." For instance, to one parent, letting a kid sleep away a school day whose exhausted from the daily demands of existing in the world of high school, work, and sports as a daughter, student, singer, athlete, employee and girl friend, is outrageous and completely unacceptable. (I tend to react to this place first, because the 1978 handbook, on which I was raised, did not allow for such possibilities.) Other parents, the ones who got the advanced copy of the recently updated handbook, are cool with the reality that teen bodies need more sleep than the rest of us and have the unreal ability to simply chill and trust their kid.  I'm still waiting for my advanced copy to arrive (my mail, of course), and then I'll have all the answers. I'll know exactly what the right thing to do and say; when its appropriate to be enraged and when its really no big deal in the great scheme of things.

But for today, my kid's at home sleeping because she is so exhausted from simply being 16 with all the expectations and the internal and external struggles that come with it, she's physically ill. So I'm trying to chill about it while I write my own sub-chapters, notes to self, and addendum because by the time that new handbook gets here, it will already be out of date - and I've got about four more years before I'll be sitting here again with the next kid.