The psychologist looked across the table at me and said: "Well, you're not the sharpest tool in the shed, but you're pastoral. And God knows the church needs good pastors, so I'm going to recommend you. But I think you're going to have a really hard time with your seminary classes." This was the conclusion of an entire day of testing to determine my fitness for academic level of seminary and the demands of the priesthood on the psyche.
I had been terrified to go back to school after 16 years. Though this was completely irrational. I had graduated from college near the top of my class. I had a successful career, having just been moved into management in a short amount of time. But there was a part of me that believed that I wasn't really very smart and going back to school was crazy. As the testing progressed and as the test facilitator began to shake his head and frown after each wrong answer I fell into a fearful stupor. I stopped thinking and simply answered the verbal questions with: "I don't know." My I don't know's added up.
Two weeks later I was with the required psychiatrist. The next step. Was I psychologically fit? He mentioned he had the report of the psychologist; my heart sank. We exchanged small talk for quite awhile and then he asked me a single question: "What does the cliche tongue and cheek mean?" I said: "I don't know." He asked me again, I repeated: "I don't know." He gently said, "I think you do know. Just take a moment a think about it and when you're ready tell me what you think it means." I told him. The meeting ended. And it's been 15 years now since I graduated from seminary. No academic struggle.
My current spiritual teacher always begins by asking the question: "You are knowing what you are wanting?" To which I often answer, "I don't know." And a little voice says: But I think you do know. It has recently occurred to me that for a long time I lived most of my life from a place of "I don't know." To know out loud is to speak one's truth. To know out loud is to define one's self. To know out loud is to commit to a path. To know out loud causes a shift the landscape of one's life that begins to match that knowing. Mountains begin to move. To know is a form of asking. You are knowing what you are wanting? Ask and it is given.
The first most powerful force in the world is knowing. The second most powerful force in the world is knowing that you know.
Who is God?.... I don't know.... I think you do know.
Who are you?.... I don't know.... I think you do know.
What are you doing here?.... I don't know.... I think you do know.
The work of the spiritual life is to coax out the answers behind "I don't know."
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